Tuesday, October 31, 2006

A Tale of Revenge

Revenge is a dish best served cold. That’s a quote from Star Trek. Don’t tell me otherwise, I know.

If you had been forced to watch every episode of the original series, every movie in the franchise plus the endless TV spin offs, dozens of times over, you would know too.

Don’t get me started about the conventions. I’ve been to more conventions than a shoe brush salesman. My fingers bled making those costumes. The Klingon costume was made of real leather. Thousands of hand sewn stitches. I still have the scars.

Why did I marry him? He proposed to me in Klingon. Back then, I thought that was so cool. We married at a Trek Convention back in the 80s. Captain Kirk was our celebrant. No, not William Shatner, some guy from Fantasy Weddings R Us.

So, at first it was fun, you know? We spent our honeymoon at Vulcan – it’s a town in Canada. We’ve been to Star Trek The Experience at Vegas, we joined protest groups to Save Star Trek and we’ve been to conventions in Australia, Japan and Germany. If it’s Trek, we’ve done it. Then we did it again.

But I got over it. I grew. I got into those reality shows. You know that one about swapping wives? I wanted to be swapped. I applied over and over again. I would have taken any of those loser husbands, just as long as he didn’t have an unopened collection of action figures.

Enterprise was the final straw. Everyone said Enterprise was crap. But we watched it, every episode. He made me sign the petitions when it was cancelled. He made me make a big We Love You Scott Bakula Sign and stand outside the man’s house in LA for a week. Bakula wasn’t even home.

You know what he gave me on my last birthday? The complete set of Enterprise on DVD. What would you have done? I had to get my revenge for all those years I’d wasted watching Star Trek with him when I could been living a real life. On a reality TV show.

I planned it for months. I arranged everything so cleverly, he didn’t even know what hit him.

``Go put on your Klingon suit,” I told him. “I’ve got tickets to a very special convention. It’s being televised.”

He was so excited, you would have thought he was going to get laid.

So here I am, sitting on the stage, and here he comes, striding through the door in his stupid Klingon suit. This is the moment I have been waiting for, when he stops, stares around in confusion, and hears the chant of the crowd.

``Je-rry! Je-rry!”

1 Comments:

At 7:46 AM, Blogger Vi Jones said...

Wow! That is punishment indeed.

Vi

 

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